From the medieval question of reason vs. revelation, to Descartes’ mind vs. body dilemma, to the contemporary nature vs. nurture, the false dichotomy has plagued human thought since human thought began—or, at least, since we started putting it in print.
More recently, the nature vs. nurture debate can be found through an abundance of parenting books and what seems like everybody’s opinion in the information age. Whereas parents used to get an earful from their friends, neighbors, and in-laws, the ways and means of parenting are now available in an earful of podcasts, an eyeful of blogs, and the judgement of social media (just to name a few).
As a result, we are inundated with tips on how to stimulate with science, cry it out or cosleep, or feed like the French. Or, if you’d prefer, just drop $100 and a cheek swab for the privilege of consulting your DNA to learn of your child’s luck of the draw from the genetic gifts bestowed by your ancestors.
(Deep breath.)
(Exhale.)
It’s exhausting.
Unfortunately, the dilemma of nature vs. nurture isn’t exactly an “either/or” so much as it’s a “yes, and.” No wonder there’s so much information out there! It’s as if we can no longer just pick a side; now, we need to do so with sources. Jennifer Senior, a writer for the New York Times and New York Magazine, chronicles this recent dilemma in her book All Joy and No Fun. In it, Senior validates the struggles of modern parenting by acknowledging that not only are we on a quest for ultimate happy parenting, but the quest itself can be quite...well...unhappy.
In response to this issue, the organization Zero to Three conducted a 2015 study to find out exactly what parents are doing with all this information. Together with the Bezos Foundation, Zero to Three looked at 2,200 Chicago and Dallas parents and published their results in what they called “The National Parent Survey.” In it, the study examined responses (from predominantly Millenials and Gen-Xers) to find how parents of young children understand development during the first five years. Perhaps not surprisingly, they found that parents’ understanding of the importance of the first five years was “both motivating and terrifying to varying degrees” for about 58% of parents studied. In fact, 1 out of every 4 parents interviewed reported they felt “equally motivated and terrified.”
But the fun doesn’t stop there: The Zero to Three study also showed that 90% of mothers and 85% of fathers reported feeling judged about their parenting. Actually, 46% of mothers and 45% of fathers reported feeling judged all (or nearly all) of the time.
No matter one’s approach to parenting, the feeling of judgement is palpable for most American parents. And no wonder: being a parent, for many, is a central feature of one’s identity. According to a 2015 Pew Research Center study, over half of parents (58%) describe being a parent as “extremely important to their identity,” while another third of parents (36%) describe it as “very important.” With this, it’s no surprise the pressure is so strong: parenting is not only about the nurture and care of little ones but also deeply reflective of who we are.
With its profound significance, one might hope the experience of parenting is also fulfilling—and the research shows that it is. According to the same Pew study, about nine out of ten parents report that parenting is rewarding either all or most of the time. Ninety percent of parents also described parenting as enjoyable either all or most of the time.
This richness and depth of parenting shows that the experience is quite complex, the entirety of which can hardly be boiled down to a single method. Despite the mountains of information at our fingertips (and an overabundance of judgement), sometimes, it helps even more to know you are not alone. In fact, you’re far from it!
Parenthood is messy, filled with both challenging missteps and great moments of joy. I can think of no better words in summary than those of D.W. Winnicott, a widely influential pediatrician and psychoanalyst who studied what it means to be a “good enough” parent. In one of his many writings, he stated: “I would rather be the child of a mother who has all the inner conflicts of the human being than be mothered by someone for whom all is easy and smooth, who knows all the answers, and is a stranger to doubt.”
Even when it’s not “easy”—you might be doing it just right!
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